How to Steal and Not Get Caught
You walk into school; everyone around you is eating delicious looking cupcakes and your favorite flavor too. You know you have to have one. You reach into your pocket for some money when you realize you forgot your wallet at home. You start going crazy, wondering how you can get one of the cupcakes, and that is when you do it. You carefully and swiftly snatch one off the table and start to run away like a dog from a bath. You hide in a corner and devour the cupcake, enjoying every single bite. Now that you have finished eating you start to shake and feel sick worrying about what will happen to you if you get caught. What do you do now? What if you do get caught? You start to wonder about the consequences: detention, suspension, expulsion or maybe even JAIL! Just follow the rules from my friend “Lydia” to make sure you NEVER get caught like she did.
First you have to stay calm. Think of things that are happy and calm because your thoughts can be your worst enemy. Make it your first priority to seem calm, cool and innocent. Think only of these things for the rest of your life. No one will ever know you had something to hide or that you committed any type of crime, small or large.
Next you have to get all of the evidence against you and destroy it along with any witnesses. You know those witnesses will testify against you in court no matter how much money, food, or toys you offer them, so you have to get rid of them no matter what. Do what you wish with the witnesses. They could have an “accident” or they could go on a very long “vacation” to a place no one has ever heard of. You could always use those contacts you have. That uncle “Tony” of a friend of a friend could help you for a certain price.
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Third do not brag or talk to anyone about your brilliant triumph against the law. If you do this you will get caught. Bragging will surely get you caught and punished. Don’t talk to your friends, co-workers or even family about your little adventure into the criminal life. They will most likely try to turn you in to the cops and you don’t want that happening. Trust no one; anybody can be your worst enemy!
Last you’ll have to move, change your name, get a new job, maybe grow facial hair and cut it off or maybe even get plastic surgery or a sex change. You don’t want a criminal record. Start all over again, find someplace new, and get away from the crime scene. Never go back, not even for holidays or The Jonas Brothers’ reunion concert.
Follow these rules and you will never get caught for stealing. Only murder, bribery and paranoia will be your problems now. These rules are the guidelines for stealing without getting caught. Next time you forget your wallet and decide to steal remember that taking a free cupcake is not stealing.