To all you incoming college freshman that don’t want to make a fool of yourself at college parties, learn this drinking game. Perhaps the King of all drinking games, Asshole is a true American classic. Asshole is a game that tests one’s ability to concentrate, as well as one’s threshold for humiliation, for the object of the game is for those in power to abuse those who are not. I’m sure that most of you out there have at least heard of this game, and I am aware that there are many different ways to play. With this in mind, the following is intended as a basic outline of the rules. The first thing you need is a group of willing and open people, a large table and a deck of cards.
Further, be advised that plenty of beer should be on hand as this game has a tendency for mass consumption of alcohol. Shuffle the cards, (I realize that this is obvious, however there are boneheads out there) and remove the jokers. To begin play, have all the cards placed in the middle of the table and have every player draw a card. The player with the highest card, 2 being low and Ace high, is appointed President.
The next highest cardholder becomes the Vice-President, and so on and so forth until the player holding the lowest card becomes affectionately known as the Asshole. In the event that two or more players draw the same value card, have those players draw again so that their position can be determined. However, if one of the players involved in a second drawing happens to draw a card higher than the card that of the President that player doesn’t become President. They assume the position in question and the loser of the draw-off takes the position below that person. Players occupying positions falling between VP and Asshole are known as common people, but they may choose titles as well.
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Some of them are as follows: Secretary, Sergeant at Arms, Speaker of the House, Treasurer, Doorman and Beer-bitch, (who assists the Asshole in his / her duties), are often used. All titles are subject to the dreaded presidential veto and has his or her subsequent wrath, so be humble. The roles of each player are as follows: President: can make any player drink at any time, no one may make the President drink but himself. The President should never have to refill his own beer. Vice President: can make any player drink at any time except the President. Normal People: these players can make each other drink as well as the Beer-bitch and Asshole.
Beer-bitch: helps the Asshole with duties, but has power over him and him only Asshole: for many reasons, this player is truly the Asshole. This player has to do all the dealings of the cards, all sweepings of the cards after the hands, and can’t make any other player drink. Finally you are set to begin the game. The players should now arrange themselves around the table in an order corresponding to their rank, with the President at the head of the table and the Asshole and the VP to his or her immediate right and left, respectfully.
The Asshole is given the deck of cards and it’s now his or her job to be the dealer. Further, before cards are dealt, it is the President who decides to whom the Asshole will deal first, thus determining which players will receive the extra cards, should there be any excess. No one player can be given more than one extra card. Hence, it is not possible for a player to begin a game with two more cards than any other player.
Before play begins, the Asshole must give the President the two best cards in his or her hand and in return he or she receives two cards from the Presidents own hand, usually his or her two worst cards. There is no requirement that this must be done if the President chooses to do so. The Asshole, on the other hand, must cough up his two most prized possessions or face a penalty including but not limited to consuming unusually large amounts of alcohol, public humiliation, and / or the honor of retaining the position of Asshole, not only for the remainder of the game but, in some cases, for the rest of his life. The card order remains the same with the exception of the “2”, which acts as a trump card in the game. The VP and the Beer-bitch, as the person occupying the position just above the asshole is often known, exchange cards as well.
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However, only one card is exchanged. During play, the object of the game is to get rid of all of your cards first. Whoever completes this task first becomes the President. Players remain in their positions until the end of the round at which point they rearrange themselves in the new rank dictated by the outcome of the previous game. It is the President who throws down the first card. Playing Asshole is easiest to describe by giving several scenarios to illustrate how play flows.
Let us say the President begins play by throwing down a Jack. The next player, the VP, has the option to: 1. Play a card of higher value, in this case a Queen, King, or Ace. 2.
Play a Jack, thus matching the President, the next player in line is skipped and is required to drink. 3. Pass. If he or she chooses to pass, they must have a sip of their chosen beverage.
Players may pass at any time, even if they have a playable card in their possession. 4. Play a “2”, resulting in an immediate ending of the round. Unless the VP plays a “2”, the next player in the turn would have the same options corresponding to the highest card on the table.
If in this situation the VP had chosen to pass, the high card would remain the Jack. Play continues in this fashion around the table until no player can beat or match the highest card played or a “2” is thrown, at which point the round ends and the cards are swept up by the Asshole. Play begins anew with the player who threw down the highest card in the previous round. Players beginning a round have the option of playing a single card, a pair, three or even four of a kind. Our second scenario involves a player beginning a round by throwing a pair after winning the previous round. Lets say our “Secretary of Anarchy” starts play with a pair of sevens, the same rules apply above with the following exceptions.
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A single card can’t be thrown on a pair. In other words, a single eight doesn’t beat a pair of sevens, but pair of eights, nines or so on is acceptable. Further, a single “2” will still trump a pair or even three of a kind had the round begun in that fashion. To recap, the rules for pairs and three or four of a kind do not change from those of a single card play with the exception of the mentioned “2” rule. Once play begins in a certain mode, (single, pair, etc… ) play must continue in that mode for the remainder of the round.
So don’t even think about throwing three of any kind on a pair of anything, you ” ll just be making an ass of yourself. Cheating in Asshole, quite simply, ruins the game. Players tend to become very upset when they find out that they are stuck in a crappy position because someone else has cheated. Cheating can include dropping or hiding cards, or else passing cards back and forth between players during a game. Really good cheaters can pick up cards from the pile that has been swept. Even the Asshole can catch the President on this, and the penalty is election to the Asshole position for the next round.
Cheating can be dealt with in other ways and it is up to the creativity of the players involved to see that the punishment fits the crime. Let me say that I’ve seen it all in this game. From an Asshole forced to strip, to placing a sock on his penis and mouse ears on his head, to a young female As sette smoking a cigar while wearing a pair of the President’s jockey shorts, her beer soaked and completely see-through bra, and nothing else. It doesn’t have to be this raw, but why wouldn’t you want it that way? Good players will hold their cards and use them to their best advantage. A steady climb up the ladder of power is often better than a hard fall from grace. Do me proud and don’t let the tradition die.
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Remember that the best President is truly the Asshole. However, don’t do anything that you ” re not comfortable with, and don’t force others into something they simply won’t do. When someone crosses the line of acceptability the fun ends and the fighting begins. Normally everyone is just looking to have a good time; the personalities of the players will dictate the coarse of the game.
After all, it’s all fun and games until somebody can’t make bail.
