“Christy, Allen, Joseph go sit on the couch. Your daddy and I will be in there in a minute,” my mother yelled early one day before school. I was in eighth grade, Allen was in seventh grade, and Joseph was in the sixth grade. We were kind of scared to go sit on the couch.
By the tone of Mom’s voice, all three of us children knew something bad was going on. “Kids, you know your father and I love you very much and that we would do anything for you,” my Mom managed to say through her crocodile tears. Allen looked at me and then at Joseph with a puzzled look. Seeing my mother’s hurt through her tears, I asked, “Mommy, what’s wrong Why are you crying” She dried her swollen eyes and took a deep breath.
“We have something to tell you and we ” re not quite sure how you are going to take it.” Daddy butted in with, .”.. but we still have to tell you. Your Mom and I have decided to get a divorce.”What,” we all cried as tears started streaming down our faces, “why We don’t understand!” I learned a very valuable lesson that day. One that taught me what divorce would do to my family and our lives. A lesson I would have to live with for the rest of my life. Divorce throws a harsh, glaring light on reality, and crumbles dreams.
Plans that were once bright and full of promise, now lay shattered and abandoned. I decided to investigate what led to my parents’ loss of interest in each other and what could be done to prevent this to other couples. I also wanted to find out the best way for me and my brothers to deal with this nightmare. According to a study performed by psychologist Andrew Weiten a failed marriage could be the result of many different circumstances.
... strives to instil readers with the idea that divorce always negatively affects children, regardless of circumstances. Author ... strainer from another and then breaking up in tears) to how she emotionally overreacts to occurrences ... -size opponent looked to me, a lunchtime volunteer mom, for help. "All this over a sand ... childish as it might have been, that somehow Mom and Dad would find a way back to ...
For example, one o both of the parents may be unhappy. If a couple gets married at an early age or is married impulsively, it may cause problems in the marriage. Financial problems or even psychological problems play a great role in divorce decisions also. He also says to remember that “no two people become divorced at the same time.” (1).
In other words, usually during a divorce one of the parties feels regret and wants the divorce, but the other party will grieve and mourn on the loss of their “life.” According to the Monthly Vital Statistics Report in the United States alone, approximately 1, 135, 000 divorces occur annually. Probably, fourth or even fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce if current trends continue.
However, that is only a projection. The report also showed a consensus that the overall United States divorce rate had a brief spurt after World War II followed by a decline, then started rising in the 1960’s and even more quickly in the 1970’s, then leveled off in the 1980’s and then declined slightly. (6).
There are many different ways that divorce affects both children and adults. Effects on children of divorce include psychological problems, juvenile delinquency, suicide, under education, and teen motherhood.
Fortunately, my brothers and I haven’t had any noticeable problems like these so far. “Problems arise from conflict during and after divorce more that from conflict during the marriage, and there is an increased incidence of detriment even if the divorce is low-conflict. Problems persist into early adulthood and affect the marriage and mating choices of children of divorce.” (Ferguson 2).
So, not only do children suffer from immediate hurt and problems, they suffer from these things for the rest of their lives. My Mom is a sixty year old technician for Choate Mental Health Center in Anna. She and my Dad tried counseling with little success and both decided that divorce was the only sure way of solving the problems my parents faced.
... negate their chances of engaging in successful marriage. Another commonly cited potential implication of divorce on children is that it can cause negative ... the character of the child. However, prior to divorce or family breakdown, families are found to have constant conflicts and/or communication failure ...
“I would ” ve thought that finally deciding to end the struggle would be a relief,” Mom told me. “But if anything, it’s left me anxious, I know this was the right thing to do, but there’s always a voice inside of my head saying, ‘go back!’ According to Dr. Kathleen Wall, “most adults go through similar thoughts and feelings after a divorce.” (5).
The transitions of separation and divorce may lead to feelings of loneliness.
Some people consider counseling as a method of coping, while others use their friends and loved ones as a support system for their selves, much like my family did. “Typical stages of mourning a death of a marriage are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Without emotional support from the people around you and possibly a therapist, your emotional healing may take longer that you expect. Marriage is better than divorce or bachelorhood for the health, wealth, and happiness of adults of all ages and genders.” (Kubler-Ross 2).
Pre-marital counseling sometimes helps reduce the risk of divorce somewhat and can prevent many bad marriages. A recent study shows the men who do housework were significantly healthier four years down the road! “Indications were that men who did housework were less likely to urge conflicts, less overwhelmed by the emotions of their spouse, and had lower blood pressure.” (O’Brien 3).
Gary Ferguson says to develop and practice positive behaviors to incorporate into times of conflict. “Practice them, because when the emotions elevate in conflict we are less likely to be able to access these unless they are becoming second nature.” (7) Don’t assume that your marriage is doomed because one or two of your spouses characteristics aren’t ideal.
A good marriage partner will probably have a variety of skills, control of their emotions, and tolerance and affection toward you and others. One thing you have to remember when entered into a marriage as a husband or wife: “Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; re-made all the time, made new.” (LeGuin 1).
Ferguson, Gary; Wall PhD, Kathleen. “The Need to Dis identify.” 1996. 05 Nov, 2000… LeGuin, Ursula K.
... the doubling up of two families within the same home. Marriage, divorce, and patterns of childbirth are some of the factors that ... U. S. News and World Report 29 Nov. 1999: 59-67. Mahoney, Rhona. "Divorce, Non-traditional Families and Its Consequences For Children ... ." Leland Stanford... 20 Nov. 1997: 40-42. Stewart, Gail B. Teens and Divorce. San Diego: Lucent Books Inc. , ...
1995. 05 Nov, 2000… O’Brien, Mary Ellen. “Avoiding Conflict.” 1997. 03 Nov, 2000… Kubler-Ross PhD, Elisabeth.
“Failed Relationships.” 1998. 06 Nov, 2000… Weiten, Andrew. 1986. 05 Nov, 2000…
“Monthly Vital Statistics Report.” 1998. 07 Nov, 2000.