It’s just one of those nights. I can’t sleep, I can’t relax, I can’t even close my eyes for a mere minute. I still can’t fathom the fact that the most important person in my life, my mother, is gone. Who knew that in a span of a year, so much shit could happen so fast that I can’t even grasp the meaning of reality anymore? Take a deep breathe.. relax, listen to some music…but no, I just can’t. What…just happened? It was the end of freshmen year, 2010, when my mother first broke the news. I’ve never seen her so scared in my entire life. I’ve never seen her so worried.
From there on, life was like a roller-coaster drop. It was fast, sudden, and heart-dropping. There was so much happening all at once that I just couldn’t take it. No one knew how I was taking it because I felt like I isolated myself from everyone. From my friends, my family, even my own brother. I tried to cover up my problems with vices, such as weed, alcohol, and cigarettes, the famous trio. Honestly, they helped. But honestly, they were and still are, just temporary help. I will have to face my problems by standing up to them. Not by throwing a curveball and hope for the best.
If there’s one thing my mother taught me, it was to never give up. I don’t know how I’m still standing, but, I am. And no fucking way am I going to sit my ass down anytime soon. No. Fucking. Way. If there’s one thing I learned from all this mess, it’s that I learnt how to grow up. I have become an independent “kid” by living alone, doing my own grocery, working for my allowance, and all the other domestic jobs. I’m not going to be that person who wants the pity party. I hate pity. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to feel weak.
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I…am not a coward. It may come out wrong, but who the fuck is going to read this? Breathe.. I can see my organization skills are a little rusty. My writing is off-balanced and my grammar is a little off. Who the fuck cares? I sure don’t. So what was I saying…. Ahh, yes, about myself. You’re surrounded by friends, family, pretty much all the people who care about you. You should be grateful you aren’t locked up in a room crying your balls out. Stay happy Renz. Please, for mom. Chin up, look strong, and and most importantly, be strong. Just like mommy.