“Catching” Your Kid Playing Doctor
In the article “Catching” Your Kid Playing Doctor by Marty Klein, PhD a distressed and confused mother approaches her doctor with what she views as a very serious matter. Asking Dr. Klein for advice she says she “caught” her five-year-old daughter playing doctor with her pal Jenny. Dr. Klein asking a few more generic and basic questions such as: How old is Jenny? Did it appear friendly or coercive? If any large objects were inserted anywhere, causing the mother to quickly grow impatient and burst in with her thoughts of “relevant” information. The door was closed, they jumped when I walked in, and they looked guilty. These were only a few of the statements she brought up.
The mother although clearly uncomfortable with the matter claims she thinks they were “playing with each other”. Dr. Klein reassures the mother he is in understanding and then mentions that the mother seems very upset about the situation. After the mother exclaims the kids are too young for this type of behavior the doctor then attempts to explain that five is the normal age in which kids begin to discover the game of doctor.
“At this point I’m accused of being snarky. Worse, mom calls me one of those liberal sex therapists who probably thinks I’m just a prude.” (Klein) In attempt to defend that he is a professional overall he explains that this a normal stage in the sexual development of a child. Only to be rudely interrupted once again by the exclamation that her daughter is yet too young. With the factor of “young” being right on schedule Klein then states that this is just a stepping stone in the sexual development of a child, and making a big deal and banning her daughter from seeing her friend anymore will only cause her to push away and avoid her mother when questions and other sexual explorations come in life. Now with the reality of the doctor’s true professional intensions the mother is now approached with a book: It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris. With the quick notation of it being a children’s book Klein then encourages her to buy it, read it herself, read it with her daughter, and then again by herself. This will then allow her to join the million happy-sad, nervous-proud, slightly queasy parents who have already read it.
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Now considering the factors of everyday life I too would personally be confused as to what to do in this predicament. Everybody including professionals have their own personalized view on this subject matter. Kids 3 to 6 years old are most likely to “play doctor.” Many parents overreact when they witness or hear of such behavior. Heavy-handed scolding is not the way to deal with it. Nor should parents feel this is or will lead to promiscuous behavior. Often, the presence of a parent is enough to interrupt the play. (Questions & Answers About Sex)
This stage is often a good opportunity to talk with your child and become closer of discussing good and bad touch of what is and is not correct behavior. This also broadens and opens the window of opportunity in which you can explain that they have their own privacy and if anyone ever does anything to make them feel uncomfortable or weird they should tell that person to stop and to immediately come to you.
Working with kids every day I have run into a few situations where I am not the parent and am unaware of how they would like to handle things. But at the same time need to relay to the kid that it is inappropriate behavior. This is difficult. You must always be sure to contact the parent or guardian of the child and explain to them and gain their trust in the situation. It does sadden me at the pure realization that kids now days do take those next steps at younger and younger ages long before they are prepared to deal with the circumstances that can accompany these behaviors.
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Remaining calm and not embarrassing a child into fear to discuss matters is a must and vitally important factor in the sexual development in life. Like in the article most parents; especially with their first child, do not know how to react or take action upon the matter. Each person has to decide for themselves on the approach they wish to take and be sure to stick with it while keeping your kid knowing they can come to you as the developmental process continues.
Works Cited
Klein, By Marty. “”Catching” Your Kid Playing Doctor | Psychology Today.” Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness Find a Therapist. Web. 08 Sept. 2010. .
“Questions and Answers About Sex.” KidsHealth – the Web’s Most Visited Site about Children’s Health. Web. 08 Sept. 2010. .
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Published on Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com)
“Catching” Your Kid Playing Doctor
By Marty Klein, PhD
Created Aug 30 2010 – 9:04pm
An ongoing patient comes in yesterday and wants my advice: she says she caught her 5-year-old playing doctor with her pal Jenny. Mom’s arrival apparently broke up whatever they were doing, but mom wants to know what to do now.
The word “caught” caught my ear.
I start with a few routine questions:
How old is Jenny?
5.
They’ve known each other a while?
Yes.
Did it seem friendly or coercive?
Friendly. Very friendly.
Were large objects inserted anywhere?
No.
Getting impatient, mom tells me a few things that she thinks are relevant.
The door was closed.
Did you knock?
No. She’s never closed her door before.
Oh. I guess the closed door meant something to her.
They jumped when I walked in.
Well, you interrupted them.
They looked guilty.
Since your attitude was that you “caught” them, I guess they felt “caught.”
Mom senses that I don’t appreciate the gravity of the situation. So, somewhat reluctantly, she spells it out for me.
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I think they were, you know, playing with each other.
Yes, you already said they were friends on a play date.
No, playing with each other–you know, with their private parts.
You mean their vulvas?
Dead silence. Mom knows from experience that I won’t rescue her by speaking, so she bravely continues.
OK, whatever. But they were playing with each other.
Yes, I understand. You seem upset.
Well…that isn’t healthy, is it? I mean, they’re 5!
Yes, that’s the age at which playing doctor would make sense.
You don’t think there’s anything wrong with it? They’re too young!
Too young? I don’t think you mean you’d rather she do it when she’s 10, right? I’m being sincere here, not snarky.
At this point I’m accused of being snarky. Worse, mom calls me “one of those liberal sex therapists who probably thinks I’m just a prude.” Well of course I am, and of course I do. But I don’t say so, because that’s beside the point. But I do respond.
Actually, I’m a professional. I’m extremely sympathetic about your distress, and fairly knowledgeable about developmental psychology and sexuality. Let’s definitely talk about your feelings, and when you’re ready I can share some facts about kids’ healthy sexual development.
I’m sorry I brought this up. I should have known better.
I’m glad you brought it up, because this is a turning point in the history of this family-not to mention her development and yours.
Well, let’s just skip all the psychology and just answer me one question. What should I do?
I don’t want to be difficult here, but do about what? Your feelings? Her need for privacy? Her relationship with her body and her sexuality?
Oh God, this is just getting worse. C’mon-should I let them play together anymore? Should I forbid them to close the door? Should I tell Jenny’s mom–oh God, don’t tell me to do that.
No, I won’t tell you to do that. In fact, I won’t tell you to do anything, because it isn’t clear yet what you want to accomplish. I know you want your kid to be healthy and happy and strong, so I know you don’t want to derail her normal sexual development.
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Rolling her eyes, mom interrupts:
But she’s so young!
Yes she is. That’s exactly when kids start learning about taking care of their teeth, the importance of good manners, how to deal with conflict, how much easier life is if you put your things away–the skills they’ll need as an adult. That’s when their sexuality starts developing, too. “Young” is right on schedule.
OK, so just answer me: should I stop her from playing doctor?
It depends on what you want to accomplish. If you want to interrupt her from exploring her sexuality in a safe, comfortable environment, stop her. If you want her to hide her sexual questions and exploration from you, stop her.
Now came the hard part.
I understand that you’re uncomfortable being confronted with her sexuality. And I know you adore her and want what’s best for her. I’m afraid this won’t be the last time you feel those two things battling inside you.
Mom seemed thoughtful about this, so I continued.
I know you want to support her in being healthy and happy. I want to support you in that project. I also want to support you through your difficulty here. And just like you want to handle this episode with her to empower her in the future, I want to handle this with you to empower you in the future. Because, as we both know…if she’s healthy, she’s going to become more sexual rather than less, and probably on a faster timetable than you’re comfortable with.
Mom’s face was a mixture of relief, sadness, confusion, longing, and surrender. She looked very, very human.
Can you recommend a book for me?
Well, I enthusiastically recommend this.
I showed her my copy of It’s Perfectly Normal, by Robie Harris.
This is a book for kids!
Yes. Buy it for her. Feel free to read it first; then read it with her; and then read it again on your own. You’ll be joining the 1,000,000 happy-sad, nervous-proud, slightly queasy parents who have already read it.
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Source URL: http://www.psychologytoday.com/node/47261
Links:
[1] http://www.robieharris.com/
