February 6th 2010
Callie, you were always there for me. Always the first person I called when I needed something or someone to talk to. Number 1 in my speed dial. You were my best friend. My sister. My moms second daughter. You were just as much to my family as I am. You were always welcome in my house. Always apart of everything I did. We were inseperable. You logan and I were butt buddies lol. There was a point where I think you stayed at my house for a week and a half straight! Sad thing was…your dad made you come home. We never got sick of eachother like most bestfriends would. We were obsessed with juice boxes and popsicles. Haha ill never forget the day we went tubbing in 45 degree water. May 16th was the day actually. We lived off of eachother. If my mom was making dinner and you were over…she’d never ask if you were staying because she knew better then to ask because it was always a yes… I think by the 10th time she asedk you if were staying she would just start to make extra and assume you were staying. Like I said…you became a part of my family.
We always said we wanted to get the hell out of here. But now, I don’t want to leave. Im scared. I went up to MSU and visited some friends. There was a douglass J there (the cos school im going to) I went in and looked around and it was everything ive ever dreamed of. I sat there and just took It all in and for something that I have been so excited for… for years, I was suddenly so scared of leaving. I am not ready to leave. School wise I am but with the who thing the happened with you and i.. im not. I need to fix this. I know I cant but when I saw that yearbook… it hit me. I never really regretted what had happened. I always said that I live with no regrets. But that yearbook changed something for me. I regret everything negitive I ever said to you. I regret punching you. I regret every single fight we ever had. I cant explain what I was thinking because I don’t know what the hell was going through my mind at that point in my life. I really don’t. I was a depressed teenaged girl that didn’t know how to handle my emotions or anger. I wasn’t normal. I had a lot of things on my plate callie. I never really did formally apologize to you. I AM TRULY SORRY CALLIE. I really am. I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t expect you to forgive me because I don’t think you should. I don’t think I could forgive someone for the pain I out you though. I don’t expect a phone call or a text after this. I just cant go on anymore without making things the best they can possibly be after those events that took place. This isnt a pitty letter. Not an ohh lets feel sorry for ashley thing. This is truly how I feel. I was talking to derek lennen about it all and I just straight up poured my heart out to him. (probably looked like an idiot doing it but whatever!) I don’t expect for us to be friends again. I think that’s too much to ask for at this point.
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There was a point where I wanted to come back to schoolcraft. I had made up my whole schedule and was ready to move on and get back on track. Vicksburg thought I was coming back and I already had my schedule made up from junior year. The night before school started… I freaked myself out on coming back. I didn’t think that I would be accepted back because of everything that happened. I didn’t think I could do it. I knew that if I came back that it wouldn’t be the same. I wanted everything to go away and that’s why I went back to vicksburg… I knew that I wouldn’t have to face my toubles anymore. I ran away. I have always ran away from my toubles and never should of done that from the start. I get so scared of what people think of me and I am so self-concious. You know that because of all the talks we had about people talking their smack. I worried about every little thing. I always looked at the bad and never the good. That’s what happened with my decision on not coming back to schoolcraft. I only thought about the bad… not the good. I do wish that I came back and just moved on from what happened. Don’t get me wrong about vicksburg… I have had the time of my life there.
I had been awaiting her arrival for a long 9 months. Saying I was over ridden with joy was an untruth I was afraid to bare, So I put on a smile and pretended that the arrival of my first child was going to be a good experience. Truth be told I knew my life was about to change forever and I wasn’t sure I was going to be a good mother. All these doubts running through my mind was almost ...
Yeah ive been into more trouble then I would have been at schoolcraft but hey… it happens I guess. Vicksburg opened up my eyes on life. Life isnt just about who has the most friends and who has the best clothes and the most money. Vicksburg isn’t like that. I talk to everyone. I hang out with karmen, alli, brittany, suzanna and all them yeah but some of my bestfriends are people that I would never talk to in schoolcraft because id be judged. Vicksburg is so much more diversified then schoolcraft and that’s what I love about it. Everyone talks to everyone. Then again it is twice the size of schoolcraft. Theres haters. Brittany and suzanna hated me before I moved there because I went to a homecoming dance with alli and was dancing with everyone. No look… we are bestfriends. Yeah we have our moments but who doesn’t these days. I don’t care what people think anymore. That’s not what lifes about. Ive learned to live each day like its my last. I have fun every day. And believe it or not… sarah and I are really close now. We hang out together, share eachothers clothes, even stick up for eachother. Its crazy I know. I rarely have days where im sitting at home alone like I would do for days on end when I went to schoolcraft. Im happy again. This whole experience changed my life. I think it changed in a positive way though… who knows… I could still be sitting at home depressed all day if I haden’t grown a pair, got off the couch and went to vicksburg!
I want to be able to walk into schoolcraft high school and have people come up to me and ask me how im doing… not just teachers. I wish I would of came back. But most of all I wish that none of this would of ever happened. I wish we were still bestfriends. Still were there for eachother. Still sisters. Still told eachother everything. I miss that callie. I know its not going to be the same but maybe we can one day get together and go to lunch or something. I understand if you don’t want to. I really do. I want you to know that I truly from the bottom of my heart am sorry. If I had was able to go back in life and fix one thing… this whole situation would be it. I never ment to do or say any of what I did. It wasn’t the true ashley and I hope you know that. I wish I could make it up to you. If theres anything I could possibly do I would do it in a heart-beat. If you need anything… im here. I hope you are having a blast your senior year cal.
The psychological aspects are different for each person it depends how they react to the thought of a person dying, some people may feel that it’s their own fault or that they have done something wrong taking the blame for it or someone may feel as if their being useless and feel like there’s things that can be done to help but in actual fact there isn’t. In the person’s last days if known others ...
peace love & happiness,