JANUARY 1, 2007 It’s like I’m dead. But I’m not, I guess I’m just dead to my surroundings or everyone is just trying to make me feel that way. I walk through the crowed halls at my school, no one turns a head, no one smiles, it’s like I’m walking through a bunch of ghosts, or am I really the ghost? There are so many questions that I try to answer in the back of my head while I’m taking these steps to home room. Everyone usually feels sorry for the person who has no friends or is considered a freak. Not in my case, no one ever talks to me, so I never talk to them. I am what you would consider a nobody, a freak, a loner.
Yet really I’m none of those, because no one even knows my name. People call it the New Year, a new year to change things you don’t like about yourself. Yet it’s really hard for me to do that, because I don’t even think I know myself. All I know is that I go to school get good grades, except in math, run cross country, go home, wash my hands, do my homework, and lay in bed, I never actually fall asleep. My parents say I have a problem, a mental one. I say it’s because I’m related to them.
They ” ll never understand me, and I’ll never understand them, that’s just the way it’s going to be. They have to deal with it, even if they say they can’t. JANUARY 2, 2007 I’m hesitating. I can’t feel a thing. I took something this morning. I can’t tell a soul, even though there is no one to tell.
... feelings in an inappropriate way where another person feels violated. He did not convey his feelings to ... have caused problems with our friendship. I feel that this engagement relates to classroom material because ... made me angry. From this engagement I feel that it relates to classroom material because my ... I knew better than to overdraft.Although I feel that she was still effective in influencing my ...
I look down the hall to first period. Seems like there’s three miles between me and the door, like I’m running a race. Breath I tell myself, just breath, stop thinking, just breath. I’ve made it, to my destination, if you call it a destination in itself. The school day is such a blur to me, nothing merely interesting. Same thing everyday, no one speaks to me, no one looks at me, nothing.
My eyes hurt; I’m staring too hard at something, or someone in that matter. The only good thing about being ignored is that you can do stuff and people won’t notice but if you were normal, people would notice in a minute. I’m still staring, yet my thinking has stopped. Oh shit, he’s staring back. I’ll keep staring, maybe he has no idea, maybe he is just looking right through me, as so everyone does. “Hi” I just want to say, I open my mouth…
nothing happens. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow. Or this might be the end of keeping it. JANUARY 3, 2007 Here we are again, the same place, same time, different date.
I did something last night. It hurt. When the blood ran down, it was just like nothing, merely existing, like myself. Yet my eyes still got warm and it started streaming down. Now I have something to show as an example of self mutilation. People say it might be wrong, people might say they enjoy it, people might not even know what I’m talking about.
All I know is that, it’s out of bored ness, when the tears just dry up and there’s nothing to think about, it happens. Just like this. JANUARY 4, 2007 How are you to tell someone something’s important to you, but you can’t because you have to please the other one? When you really want them to say “don’t wait, just tell me all about it.” How are you to speak when you open your mouth and then nothing comes out? Are you comprehending anything anyone shows, or says? Or are you just doing the “he said, she said?” All I want is that one person, to listen to me cry. Then I could see someone else cry, see there face get red, there eyes warm with water, it all coming down. I dream so much, daydream and night dream is more like it. I never sleep, ever.
... , allowing the blue eyed to feel stupid as she points out how they forget things quicker, and do ... take over. They wished to annoy the brown eyed people because they felt they were being left out. ... however, they choose to deal with blue eyed people, versus brown eyed people. The film starts off with a reunion ... In the video the showed "The Eye of the Tiger" to people at institutions. They commented on it ...
I only comprehend clips and phrases in those dreams. I’ve always wished that I could be normal. But I really am, its just no one can find me. JANUARY 5, 2007 Last night I thought about something. I want someone to take my picture, I probably won’t remember much. I just want someone to focus on me for a mere instant, I want to feel it.
Feel eyes on me, feel the camera looking for my right angle, feel the flash make my eyes blink. I want it to pick up all my faults, the pours in my face, the plastic perfection everyone tries to achieve. But I guess you get what you give. In that case, I get nothing. I guess I’m just a dreamer in a world of reality. JANUARY 6, 2007 It’s silent.
The room is dark. My lungs collapse, I’m gasping for air. My body is cold, but everything around me feels like it’s on fire. It’s happening again, the sensation, the pain, the satisfaction to my body.
I’m yelling, “Someone wake me up,” no one answers. I’m all alone. I’m shaking, trying to let the air that was never there, in. My eyes are warm, they hurt, my face is wet, salty when it hits my lips.
It’s done, finished, everything is just right again. All in all, I never felt a thing. Now that the tears have dried up and the pain has fled, I’m ready to patch up my vent of anger. I’m lying in my bed, awake as always. I’ve been thinking, if I ever die, would anyone notice, would anyone care? Who would come to my funeral, or would I even have one? Yes I know, I have a sick mind, but when you have so much time on your hands, you think about these types of things. Then my mind wonders to him, I have no idea what his name is, who he hangs out with, all I know is that he sits across from me, two seats to the left in English, first period.
JANUARY 7, 2007 Music. My breakthrough to the world. Every emotion bottled up comes out through music. It’s a vent.
Just like other things. If I didn’t have music, I’d probably die. Just like the black curtain shutting me away from the world. My favorite bands have to be Bayside, they are nothing short of amazing, Hawthorne Heights and Senses Fail. They sing about everything and more that I’m thinking.
... lack of diversity. On a hot day, these tensions boil over and every thing race, hatred, and envy comes ... and even though he was Italian he did not mind at all working in an inner city, poor, ... is symbolic.This song explains how Radio Raheem feels every time he passes someone and they automatically categorize ... sons. The movie goes on and these teenager face the everyday struggle of being black in a ...
Music is probably the only thing keep me alive. JANUARY 8, 2007 Another day. Just like the ordinary. First period, him, silence. He is amazing. There’s a touch on my shoulder, I don’t dare look back, I just pull down my sleeves and walk like I felt nothing.
I don’t look back, I don’t flinch but I do know who that touch was from. Him. Its one of those days where nobody’s home and everyone is there, but I’m all alone. It’s always a struggle to get through the day or nights never speaking to or about anyone. I seem to always have a urge, but nothing comes out, no nothing. I’m just scared that if I ever speak, I wouldn’t get a reply.
I want to tell people my name, I want to say, “Hey look at me, I’m normal!” But it seems like that day would never come. JANUARY 9, 2007 It’s a rainy night, my body is cold no one is home. I have a urge. It might just all come out. Okay, I screamed, I screamed on the top of my lungs till there was no voice left in me. No one heard a thing.
Everything is the same. I pull down my sleeves and go fix me something to eat. Nothing happened, but amazingly everything just changed within an instant. I’m surrounded by unfamiliar faces. I’m in a white room, my room. Who are these faces and am I sleeping? I’m trying to remember if I took anything this morning, I can’t remember.
I’m scared, I scream, till I can feel the blood from my throat start to itch up. Like my parents pay, I’m crazy. I think it’s because their crazy and I’m accidentally related to them. JANUARY 10, 2007 Do you require that perfect song on that perfect drive to feel infinite? I wish I could always feel infinite. On that perfect drive, my hair in the wild, me belting out the words to my favorite song with him.
My dream, my fantasy, my hope. It ” ll never come true, only in my daydreams. It’s amazing in the fact that I actually think of such absurd things in my mind, that I know would never come true even if pigs could fly, but always, I hope. I’ve decided, I need a pause button my life.
I need a remote. A remote that I can control, I can control anything and everything that anyone or everyone does. That’s what I decided. Yet I know that ” ll never happen, so I guess I’ll have to deal. I guess I’m just standing on the fringes of life. Amazing isn’t it? JANUARY 11, 2007 I can feel the pain inch up my back into my back.
... scared and exited at the same time, this was something she had never felt before. She was wheeled in ... to see the colour red, her mother's face, her own face. She had very mixed feelings though. She ... dog came to a halt. However she could feel the breeze of people passing by her and was ... hospital getting tests done and speaking to doctors. The day finally arrived as she stepped foot into the hospital ...
It’s sensational, it’s reliving. I can feel my intestines try to inch up my neck to come out and see light. I’m not letting it this time. I’m running, as fast as I can. I have no idea how far I’ve gone, no idea where I might end up, all I know is that I’m invincible for this very moment. I stop, I see my elementary school, the place of many happy times drawing happy faces.
I miss those days, the days when boys had cuddies, and it was cool for girls to not care. Now in the days of high school, it’s all about sex, drugs, and looking good. Anyways, I stop. I collapse on the grass. It feels like I’ve be laying there for years.
I stand up, I still feel that feeling, I’m invincible. I start swinging, looking up at the trees, its never ending. I try to swing so high I could reach their branches. It ” ll never happen. I tried and tried, I’ve gotten know where, just like I have in life.
JANUARY 12, 2007 This place is a prison, there’s much to be said, how long must I wait? I’m trapped; I have no idea how to get out of my state of mind. I’m sick, I’m horrid, I’m falling, falling hard, hitting each crevasse as my body lays cold. Gasping for the faintest breath to be felt, I’m trying. Shattered dreams broke all over these bones I own. I found out something I shouldn’t have known.
Never knew him, never spoke with him, yet I’m like him, ignored. I’m sitting here, feeling the state of emptiness to heal the pain. For the love to someone who has no name. He is the fact of reality, to me. Now I have learned through someone’s actions, instead of my own. It’s when this took place, while the wind blew the dusk leaves in and out.
This morning is full of regret, it wasn’t met to happen. The darkness was his only remedy, only to hide and show no sorrows. There he will remain until the earth turns to an abyss. I heard the motions were fast and silent, as the actions lay there. While the whispers were haunting and for that killing sound, it was over. It could have stopped, it could have not.
... outside world and from the events in Chicago. On January 21, 1947, Capone suffered a stroke and eventually ... more interesting then this. At the same day (January 25 th) 28 years after the League of Nation ... government could do to the most notorious gangster at that time, it is so pathetic. ) However, Capone was ... in a knife fight and was slashed on his face, giving him the nickname that he would bear ...
In the end, it was now what we call normal, for someone to die. JANUARY 13, 2007 In my state of mind, this is just another normal day. Yet the halls are silent. Peoples faces are pail, my body is cold. Yesterday morning, someone committed suicide.
No one knew him, no one. Yet now he is what he dreamed to be, the center of attention for once. He wanted someone to show him, they cared. Maybe someone to say ‘don’t wait, just tell me all about it.’ Maybe self mutilation got too hard for him; maybe he just thought it was time to die. I wonder when it will be mine. Just forget about it, the teacher says to our faces.
They say it’s done and gone, yet it ” ll live with each and every student who ignored this boy; they will never think the same again. Actually they will, tomorrow, everyone will be the same people they were before the accident, or incident you could say. JANUARY 14, 2007 I’m in my own little world. Population: 1, Existence: 0. I need to break out. I see everyone around me, I hear everything, yet I’ve never heard my own voice.
Just the screams, the screams from the inside out. I need to try to reinvent myself. It ” ll probably never happen but its wroth a try. I’ll try, hard. The glass is full and now its time for it to spill. When I got home, I took out my notebook.
I just started to write. Anything that came to my head went down on paper. Here’s what I came up with: You are the prison; I’m trying to escape, It’s just not working the way that it was supposed to I think I’m broken, At least you have broken pieces of me off and let the rest to bleed Your grip on me is hard to see yet its strangling The words you melt into my ear makes me feel Like there’s nobody’s breath sinking into the air filled lungs Gasping for the last breath, there’s much to be said How long must I wait Will I just be that forgotten photograph laying on your bedside while you sit up and watch the sun come down on you Yet you still had the courage to think of those myriads ways to say ‘I love you’ I’m very proud at that little piece of writing. I might frame it, if only my parents had frames.
... i cannot help the way i feel, i walk this road time after time nothing ever changes it stays that ... tried to find myself for along time, help me please i what to feel peace, i want yo be ... same, gloom, darkness, feels my life, my heart it has stained, i feel ... cry out god, the echo of my screams feel the mountains, muddy waters has taken over my lifes ...
JANUARY 15, 2007 There’s always this feeling of regret, of remorse, that come into mind. I think I feel this pain every time I look at someone or even myself. I don’t know what to do, there’s one half of me saying, “Break out” and the other half saying, (put silence in this spot. ) I wish I could feel things, emotions in the way “normal” kids do. I guess I’m just obsolete, no one will understand. They say it happens to everyone, everyone feels it, everyone lives it.
But no, no one has to live with the silence of forever. Except me. JANUARY 16, 2007 Touch: to perceive as a physical sensation. I felt that touch again, on my back this time.
It was him, amazingly. I could feel the coldness of his body shake. I felt my face turn pale. I hate to be alone. All the myriad ways to say hi, he does this one. I knew what he meant, and I smiled.
I think that was the first time I’ve smiled since birth. From the moment I say his perfect completion, I felt something I’ve never felt before. I felt like I was alive, that someone actually knows that I’m there, in the same room. This was the first time, I almost felt infinite. Almost. JANUARY 17, 2007 The house is still awake in the moments of silence.
It’s almost too bright to see yet it’s as black as can be. Maybe that’s what inhaling thrills through twenty dollar bills does to the mind. I was thinking, what would be the perfect way to die? I came up with three choices: 1. suicide, 2. OD, 3.
suffocate. I’d like to say suffocating would be my preference. This is basically how It’d go. While the coldness of his body shake, his thoughts filled with remorse. Perceiving the physical sensation with the grip so tight hanging around her neck.
The touch would be faint at first, then she would feel his hands bound within her veins. It would be all sealed then, everything would feel so right. Breaking the sequence of the vivid heart beat would mark the point where the engraving memory would be in progress. While he made everything so wrong, look so right. While her body lay cold, his face would be filled with remorse. As the paroxysm made its way upon the situation, her breath would turn faint, she is slipping away.
While his minds conceptions are tearing away from the body as one, you could tell from the look on his face, it was over and done. Yes, just like that. Perfect. JANUARY 18, 2007 Today I got to school three hours early. I’ve decided to walk around and try to notice things I haven’t noticed before. I’ve noticed we have many cracks on the sidewalk…
every step I take; I step on one, or ten in that matter.